Hello Everybody!! (Lesson 13)

I love the topics of study this week regarding in-law relationships and finances. Interestingly, both can cause a significant amount of stress or peace: depending upon our outlook, preparation, the choices of others, and coping strategies. I have been very blessed with very loving in-laws, whom I prefer to call "my husband's parents" since "in-laws" often has negative connotations. We have had a number of communication difficulties in the twenty years since my husband and I have been married, and I have come to realize that some things will never change, but overall we have come to understand one another. The most difficult times we had was when I was going through some severe emotional difficulties and had a hard time communicating in general. Our difficulties have mostly come in areas of child discipline and differences in the appropriateness of certain gifts.  

I find the advice given by J. Harper and S. Olsen in the article "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families" useful as couples strive to have closeness without being enmeshed with their families of origin. The authors suggest three things that couples can do: 1. express love to the parents    2. explain the need to strengthen their own marriage    3. explain that expectations of the parents are causing a less-strengthening environment. Obviously, these steps are most appropriately taken before somebody feels like blowing their top or becoming overly hostile or distant from their parents or in-laws. Taking these steps can overcome the hurdles that some couples face when even thinking of bringing up these delicate issues with loving and well-meaning family members.

Regarding effective finances, I have shared in this class previously, that my husband and I took the twelve week Personal Finance course as offered through the Self-Reliance program.  A couple of the most valuable things I learned in the self-reliance course were: "If we like luxuries or even necessities more than we like obedience, we will miss the blessings which He would like to give us." (President Spencer W. Kimball) "If there is any one thing that will bring peace and contentment into the human heart, and into the family, is to LIVE WITHIN OUR MEANS." (President Heber J. Grant, caps added) My husband and I have been taking these truths in to our lives and have seen miraculous differences in our finances and in the desires of our hearts regarding purchasing "stuff" and getting out of debt. I highly recommend the course to everybody even if you do not suffer from the weight of debt; there is so much more learning in the course than just debt management. How eternally thankful I am to our loving Father in Heaven for the direction He imparts and the care He has for all areas of our individual lives!

Wishing each of you a MERRY CHRISTMAS and a blessed New Year in addition to continued educational and testimony strengthening success!!!

Always,

Katie

Hello Everybody, (Lesson 12)

I am increasingly thankful for our Heavenly Father's teachings regarding unity in marriage and in the gospel. I find that as we are unified in marriage, callings, and in our personal relationship with our Heavenly Father, we have more peace and defined/inspired direction in our lives. I really need more peace and direction in my life as I strive to recover from the results of negative decisions I have made in the last few years. I am thankful for inspired revelation and for the opportunity I have to learn in regards to marriage and family. I am thankful to our loving Heavenly Father for the pattern He has set in how to live as families on earth and throughout the eternities. I am thankful for the very specific blessings and persons He has given me in this life to help me achieve my greatest goals. Heavenly Father is truly mindful of my individual needs, dreams, and goals; He loves me and KNOWS me.  

In Elder Eyring's article titled "That We May Be One", we learn, "We must see ourselves as His. We will put Him first in our lives. We will want what He wants rather than what we want or what the world teaches us to want." I was recently talking to a friend regarding Christmas and the stress she was feeling about providing a "good" Christmas for her children. She shared something valuable with me that she had recently heard regarding Christmas gifts. This advice is not for everybody, and certainly not everybody is able to or desires to give four gifts per child, but here is what she said: "Give children the gifts of: something... 

      1. they need

       2. they want

       3. to do

       4. to read"

As followers of Christ, we know that the true joy and meaning of Christmas is found in HIM. I do feel, however, that the list my friend shared with me is good advice about how we can work harder to focus less on what the world may want for us or our families....which is to focus on ourselves (item #2) instead of on others (#1,3,4).

Concerning unity, Elder Eyring shared, "A unity which comes to a family or to a people softened by the Spirit will bring great power." That is beautiful: "...SOFTENED by the Spirit." I can surely use some softening; I so often feel like a rough piece of gravel when what I desire to feel like is a beautifully smooth piece of marble, crafted by our Savior's teachings, personal repentance, and internal calm. I am truly blessed to bless others in the Savior's way when I seek for unity in my thoughts, words and actions. In my quest to find ways to Light the World, unity plays a huge role in finding ways to serve in the ways the Lord would have me to do which sometimes includes leaving my comfort zone to do HIS work in HIS way and to especially live in my family with a spirit of unity. 

May we all be blessed as we strive to achieve unity with our Savior and with our fellow man,

Katie

Hello Friends!  (Lesson 11)

This week in our Family 300 class, we learned about intimacy and fidelity in marriage; I am going to breach my typical level of comfort and share openly some of our readings from the lesson. Following the example of one of the authors we read from this week, I am going with the teaching that we can speak reverently and respectfully regarding intimacy and fidelity. As the mother of an older teen, I know that it is important to speak frankly to him in regards of what to expect later in life. I am thankful for the resources we were given this week to help me in that quest and in my personal quest to be a responsive spouse.

Following is a quote from our reading: “In our spiritual lives, we are counseled to return to the temple often after we have received our personal temple blessings to give of ourselves in service to others and be reminded of the great and powerful meanings of the standards that we have committed ourselves to live. Likewise, in our marital lives, a frequent return as a couple to the union of sexual intimacy makes it possible to give of ourselves in service to each other and be reminded of the commitment we have made to unity and fidelity and love to our marital companion. What a powerful blessing this can be to a marriage relationship! And so, how disappointing it is when couples allow themselves to drift from seeking solutions in this area of marriage or fail to recognize that their inhibitions may be robbing them of marital blessings" (Brotherson, S.E. (2003). www.meridianmagazine.com) (Links to an external site.).

How important is it to discuss sexual issues, expectations, and desires in our marriage? One of the authors we read from this week describes these conversations as important as conversations regarding finances, recreation, and daily goals. As spouses take the time and energy to really talk and counsel about intimacy, they will usually grow closer in having a shared understanding as well as talking through possible moments of misunderstanding. Our loving Father in heaven commanded Father Adam and Mother Eve to multiply and replenish the earth; He likewise asks the same of us in these days. He expects that we will love and care for one another and that we will teach our children to respect the sanctity of marriage (as taught in "The Family: A Proclamation to the World").

May we each be blessed as we strive to improve our marriages and keep our covenants, whether they be for time or for time and eternity as set forth in temples of the Lord. 

With love,

Katie

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  Hello Everybody! (Lesson 10)

  Happy Thanksgiving! As I pondered this week upon what I was most thankful for, I chose "peace in our home." We have been short on peace for a very long time, and I am so grateful for the manifestation of more peace in the past four months. I know that much of the peace we are experiencing is due to my Family 300 course and the things I have learned and implemented regarding how to be kinder, more forgiving, and charitable. I have also learned to be more diligent in abandoning pride. Second, Don and I have been taking the self-reliance personal finance course and were promised that as we made a budget and stuck to it as well as strive to eliminate debt, our family would be blessed with increased peace. I am so thankful for that! 

  In Goddard's text, we learned this week: "Our weakness is divinely appointed. It is intentional and heaven-sent. And it has one purpose: to make us humble." What a loving God we have: He tailors experiences, trials, and weaknesses specifically for EACH ONE OF US...INDIVIDUALLY. His trust in us extends to another of Goddard's teachings from this week, "...God expects me to consecrate not only my time but also my THOUGHTS! EVEN MY FEELINGS!" (bolding added). I know that God knows ME; He is my loving Heavenly Father who blesses me richly in my individual experiences...even in my individual relationships. 

  John Gottman taught a similar principle in chapter 11, "...happy couples are aware of each other's dreams and consider helping each other realize them to be one of the goals of marriage." That is true charity; that is consecrating our time, our thoughts, our feelings...this I desire to do throughout my entire life!

  With gratitude,

  Katie

  
  

Hi Everyone! (Lesson 9)

     I have to start this post by sharing my gratitude for my Family 300 course. I am learning so much in such a short amount of time, and I feel that if I took this class for a full year which would be three times, I would still need to take more time to sink it all in. I continue to be astounded at how much our two texts work hand in hand (whoever figured that out is a genius). Drawing Heaven Into You Marriage  by H. Wallace Goddard and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman are the most profound marriage self-help books that I have ever read (I think I may have said that before!). I also love how our chapters coordinate with General Conference talks that we have studied: everything comes full circle and ties together so beautifully! I am overjoyed at this opportunity in my life to improve and change.

     This week, we have been openly challenged to think about things in ways that we may never have done before and especially to behave in ways that we may have overlooked in the past. From Gottman, "... the basis for coping effectively with relationship issues, whether solvable or perpetual, is to communicate basic acceptance of your partner's personality" (157). Further, we have been challenged by Gottman to soothe our partner. I have been imagining what the entire world could be like if everybody took these teachings to heart. However, I really need to focus on what my marriage can look like if I employ these beautiful, peace-filled ideas. I do not find it a simple task to communicate acceptance or soothe somebody when I am hurt. But this is precisely what we are challenged to do within the scope of these chapters.

     I appreciate the work that H. Wallace Goddard did in Chapter 5 regarding emotional and physical fidelity (I read that chapter too!). In the name of service, missionary work and kindness, many have been tricked by Satan and have fallen into traps without seeing them from a distance. It is so imperative that we ALWAYS keep ourselves spiritually and emotionally safe, even when we feel that there is no physical harm in flirting, confiding in, and caring for those of the opposite sex besides our spouse if we are married. When I was growing up, I remember that my Dad would never ride  alone in a car with somebody of the opposite sex; he always set such a good example for me, and it is something I have striven to exemplify for my children as well. Additionally, I feel that as we read the Ensign or Liahona magazine, we are blessed with articles to help us with these concerns specifically. This is a hard thing, and these are hard words, but I testify that they WILL keep us safe from some of Satan's most disguised deceptions.

Sincerely,

Katie

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Hello Everybody, (Lesson 8)

     Wow...PRIDE...that is a big word with only five letters that encompasses so much. In my life, I have always had to work diligently on not being prideful. My needs to be independent and to be "right" often outweigh my Christlike desires to be personally flexible and somewhat reliant on others. As a young single adult, I read "Beware of Pride" by Ezra Taft Benson for the fist time, and I remember thinking, "Why are people so prideful, and what can I do to abandon pride?" I also remember that I had already identified one aspect of pride in my own character, which was to be looking up from the bottom and judging those with more money, more influence, and more popularity. This was my way of dealing with many years of unkindness brought upon me by people with those very traits. I have had to repent over the years for allowing these thoughts to linger in my mind and heart.

     In the twenty years that have followed my young single adult years, I have allowed even more pride to enter my life. Sadly, I have succumbed to many of the vices President Benson described.

"Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride.

Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away. Contention ranges from a hostile spoken word to worldwide conflicts. The scriptures tell us that “only by pride cometh contention.” 

The scriptures testify that the proud are easily offended and hold grudges. (See 1 Ne. 16:1–3.) They withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings.

The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. (See Alma 7:23.) It is the broken heart and contrite spirit. (See 3 Ne. 9:20; 3 Ne. 12:19; D&C 20:37; D&C 59:8; Ps. 34:18; Isa. 57:15; Isa. 66:2.)"

    I have allowed my pride, in the form of contention, to affect my children. I have taken opportunities to teach them not to "fight and quarrel with one another" as we learn in the Book of Mormon, but I have not been completely diligent in my teachings nor in my example. I love peaceful moments, but I struggle so very much with quieting my tongue and not being offended. Except unto the Lord, I actually sicken at the thought of being submissive to anyone. It is in this manner which I have become so independent. This fierce independence has kept me from relying on the counsel of my husband, it has kept me somewhat at an arm's length from him since I do not want to be submissive (in appropriate ways), and contrition never has place when I feel constantly "right."

     Some of my goals for the next year are to continue with the exercises on our Gottman book in learning to yield. He teaches, "Accepting influence is an attitude, but it's also a skill that you can hone if you pay attention to how you relate to your spouse" (126). Quoting from Goddard, "The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite. We are to fix ourselves by repenting, and to love others."

     I surely have my work cut out for me, yet I am excited to know the truth as revealed by our Heavenly Father.

With love,

Katie

Hello Friends, (Lesson 7)

     This is RIVETING: First a question posed by H. Wallace Goddard, "IS OUR FAITH A VIBRANT AND ENNOBLING POWER IN OUR LIVES?" Following are a comment and suggestion also by Goddard: "SATAN'S BEST HOPE IS TO KEEP US FROM LOOKING UP. HE MUST KEEP US FULLY ABSORBED WITH THE TRIVIAL, FRETTING OVER OUR INCONVENIENCES AND STEWING OVER OUR GRIEVANCES." "THE BEST COURSE IS TO HONOR COVENANTS. ONE OF THE BEST-KEPT SECRETS IN THIS WORLD IS THAT TROUBLED, PAINFUL RELATIONSHIPS CAN BECOME BOTH SATISFYING AND GROWTH PROMOTING AS WE FILL OURSELVES WITH FAITH IN GOD AND LOVE FOR HIS PURPOSES" (P.50,55).

     I am a huge fan of purple font, and I do adore caps, but I chose to  capitalize this opening question and statement to make it known that this is how I truly feel as well: what I KNOW to be true. 

     So what if I chose to "fret and stew" less and "fill [myself] with faith in God and love for His purposes more? Do I LOVE His purposes when they hurt or even when they are just uncomfortable? Do I really want to change? Do I truly believe that everything in my life is for MY greater good in His plan? 

     As I read Chapter 3 in our Goddard book and pondered on the exercises in our Gottman book (which encouraged me to be very introspective concerning my interactions with my husband), l was focused so much on how our Savior advocates for us and how, as we follow His example, will seek to bless the life of our spouse if we are married, but essentially that we will seek to bless the lives of all those around us. It is certainly more difficult to turn toward each other when we feel hate and anger and hostility, but as we fully allow Christ to fill our hearts, we will overcome those "natural man" tendencies. 

     I put myself in a situation some years ago that could have changed the course of my life in a soul wrenching way. Looking back, I feel ridiculously blessed for the love and mercy that my Savior poured over me during that time and in the years to come. He literally rescued me from spiritual death, just as He has rescued each of us from the effects of eternal physical death. Christ is my personal Redeemer, He is my Light,  and He is my perfect Exemplar.

     I so testify that "the best course is to honor our covenants."

With love and compassion for each of you reading,

Katie

Hello Everyone, (Lesson 6)

     In my Family 300 course, we are studying two very profound books: The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. I have been in need of the counsel that comes from both of these books for many years, but I am grateful that they have come into my life at a point wherein I am truly ready to receive them and to experiment upon their challenges. I have actually decided that I want to purchase a bunch of both and give them as wedding gifts. I read a lot, and I know that these two books are something special!

     Last week in our Gottman book, we learned, "Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse" (22). Common sense admits that married couples mostly started out as friends, lest why would they marry? There are some exceptions of course, but in our Western world, it is common for people to say or to announce, "I am marrying my best friend." I feel true joy for others when they are able to rejoice in the bliss and beauty of marrying their very best friend: especially if it is for time and eternity.

     As we continue to be true friends in marriage, we will do as Wallace Goddard encourages, "We show our willingness to rescue our spouse by giving up our tiny preferences in favor of our spouse's blessing" (36). I have allowed that to sink deep into my heart this week and have formulated a number of questions for myself.

• If my BFF who lives in Phoenix was in serious disagreement with me about something, how long would I insist on being "right"?
• If I were dating my husband instead of having been married for twenty years, would I be so persnickety with him?
• If my Mom, who is my other BFF, needed me to drop all I was doing to be right over, would I do it...NOW?

        These are all rhetorical questions; I know that I would give up on being "right" to preserve my friendship, I would be more patient with my husband, and I would go to my Mom's aid. The point has been made throughout our readings this week that in order for us to truly have the relationships we really desire, we must sacrifice ourselves and ultimately live daily with a desire to act opon the will of the Lord. 

     As I strive to do better and to be better, I will continue to share these life-changing truths with others both verbally and in this blog. Most of all, I desire to share through my THOUGHTS and ACTIONS toward my husband that my learning is making a difference.

Sincerely,

Katie

I AM A MEMBER OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS, AND OUR STAKE (AREA) IS BEING BLESSED WITH A TEMPLE!!!!

Hello Everybody!!! (Lesson 4)

     This past weekend was the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Salt Lake City, Utah. I have never been there in person before, but I was very blessed, along with my oldest son, to be able to attend in person. The weekend was absolutely amazing, and I am grateful for the opportunity to be taught about the importance of marriage and family; the importance of gospel teaching in the home. Additionally, I am exceedingly thankful for the Prophet's (Russell M. Nelson) closing announcements regarding temples...12 of them throughout the world, ONE OF WHICH WAS ANNOUNCED FOR OUR AREA IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA!!! The blessing of being able to actually be there when the temple was announced is really indescribable... it can pretty much only be felt.

     Three segments of my life are coming together as a whole this week:

• My  Family 300 course, which I have been blogging about
• My Institute class (Foundations of the Restoration)
• General Conference

    We have been studying about the Kirtland and Nauvoo temples in Institute, and President Nelson announced all the newest temples, and we read this quote by Ezra Taft Benson, "In the peace of theses lovely temples, sometimes we find solutions to the serious problems of life. Under the influence of the Spirit, sometimes pure knowledge flows to us there. Temples are places of personal revelation." I ABSOLUTELY know this to be true and am very excited to invite friends and neighbors to the open house of our future temple. 

     I am learning this week the importance of teaching my children more intently regarding the temple and temple covenants. I tend to just go along my way, testifying more through my actions than through my words. However, I am seeing the great wisdom and necessity of also testifying through my words. It is like unto how when we bear our testimonies for others to hear, not only are others blessed, but we are as well. I desire to love my family more fervently, and I know that as I attend and serve in the temple of God, that love will become what I desire because it is what Heavenly Father desires. Time and time again throughout my life, I have learned that family is the most important "thing," person/people, event, job, hobby, goal, and/or endeavor EVER, EVER, EVER. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, gave His life so that we may return to Him, together with our families. He has made it possible for us to be sealed as spouses and children; He has made it possible for our children to return to us though they may stray; He has made it possible for us to experience eternal joy. To the Lord, I am eternally grateful!

Love,

Katie

photo credit: lds.org, Salt Lake Temple

Hello Friends!  (Lesson 3)

 I am richly blessed with friends who are willing to share their honest views on issues, though they may differ from mine. I have shared this story time and time again, but my closest friend's (Michelle) husband has long asked, in regards to Michelle's and my friendship "How can the two of you get along so well and believe so differently?" Our answer: "Why not?" Additionally, we have come to find in our twenty years of friendship, that we are not really that different! 

     I openly welcome opportunities to share what I believe as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints, thus the birth of this very blog many years ago. I truly appreciate this opportunity to be more educated regarding the rulings of Obergefell v.Hodges,the decision of the Supreme Court to make legal same-sex marriages, which I have never taken the opportunity to read. Having the opportunity to study the reasoning from the majority as well as the wisdom of those who dissented brought up many points which I had considered in the past but had never exactly been able to put words to. For instance, it is typical of friends who believe differently than me concerning same-sex marriage to cite how we are closed-minded or unable to accept that others with a different view of marriage are able to receive health benefits...etc.  

     Most of all, I value Roberts' assessment: "The fundamental right to marry does not include a right to make a state change its definition of marriage." And why, the majority did not see the connection with one of their closing remarks, I do not understand. The majority stated, "Marriage is the foundation of the family and of society, without which there would be neither civilization or progress." This remark could very well be an argument for heterosexual marriages, except for the context in which is is used. 

     In my life, I strive to live as (then) Elder Nelson counseled, "The future of marriage and of countless human lives will be determined by your willingness to bear solemn witness of the Lord and live according to His gospel." THIS I KNOW AND THIS I DO.

With Love,

Katie

References: Nelson, Russell. Disciples of Jesus Christ - Defenders of Marriage.Aug 2014                          BYU Speeeches. 

                    Obergefell v.Hodges, 576 U.S. (2015). Supreme Court of the United States. 

Hello Friends,   (Lesson 2)

    I have embarked upon a new journey! In my last post, way too long ago, I wrote about the Pathway program which I finished in December 2017. I am now in my fourth course of my formal education. My major is Marriage and Family Studies, and the course I am taking this semester is simply titled, "Marriage." One of our responsibilities for class is to post on our blog regarding what we have learned throughout the week in our reading and interactions which are built into the course material. I am happy to have this opportunity to purposefully and regularly blog about the things that mean the most to  me. Thank you for sharing this time here with me; may we each be richly blessed in our MOST treasured relationships: OUR FAMILIES in whatever way they are structured!

     In establishing our own family and in choosing how to parent, I am grateful for my mother who is a transitional character in my life and for the lives that follow. As Carlfred Broderick taught in the May 1987 Liahona, "...God actively intervenes in some destructive lineages, assigning a valiant spirit to break the chain of destructiveness in such families." She has done just that. My mom came from generations of alcoholism, and as was such for the time in general, families who did not invest much time in their children. Though my mom suffered much in her life, she knew that her children would be her most precious treasures, and she chose to break the cycle that had truly plagued her family for so long....how grateful I am!

     The National Marriage Project publishes a "State of Our Unions" to regularly assess and advise on marriage in America. The NMP maintains, "Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution. Marriage fosters small cooperative unions - also known as stable families - that enable children to thrive, shore up communities, and help family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times." I am thankful for The Family: a Proclamation to the World, a declaration of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints regarding families and how much the two go hand in hand. 

     I am thankful that entities and agencies across the nation are taking a good hard look at what is happening in marriage and families, taking the time to study not only current trends but trends of the past as well. I appreciate that many agencies are realizing the importance of positive father figures and look forward to seeing increasing competence in how to integrate husband/father courses as well as marriage courses in general. 

     I have had the advantage of living in mostly conservative communities which value and hold sacred the marriage union and cling to the traditional family. I do see more and more, though, the negativity toward spouses in everyday conversation. Sadly today, I read a Facebook post regarding the music abilities of the children in one of my children's classes as "irritating" and "bothersome." I chose to make a positive comment on the page, saying that I appreciate the school having a music program at all, and how much I loved hearing my son play. I know that each of us can make a difference upon those we touch, whether we know them personally or not!

Sincerely,

Katie