Empty Me

Finally... a new post!!
I heard a song today on Klove that I have never heard before: I don't know if it was Jeremy Kamp, Chris Sligh or somebody else. For the lyrics, I found it under both of the above names, but I am surprised that this was my first time hearing it because it does not seem to be new. Here are the most meaningful parts of the song to me.

Empty Me

I know how fast I can stray

and how fast my heart could change.

Empty me

of the selfishness inside,

every vain ambition

and the poison of my pride

and any foolish thing my heart holds to,

Lord empty me of me

so I can be

filled with you.

Everything is a lesser thing compared to you.

I surrender all.

Lord empty me of me

so I can be

filled with You.

Empty me.

That is so powerful. And I so need to be emptied of myself: my way, my habits, my will. When we are beautifully broken, we can see things in a different light: ways that were always there, but closed by our own "blindness."

My heart still hurts for my Malden, but Shawnie is truly an angel to me. She brings me silly things to the side of the bed: like my bookmark, like random papers, like toys...all things she has handled with such gentility, none of them have even a tooth indent. She makes me laugh when we walk because she loves the water and if I do not have her on her leash, she will dive into one or two of the neighbor's ponds. Shawnie Angel is not a morning dog: she stays sleeping by my side of the bed until I have prayed, read, dressed in exercise clothes and shoes and even until I have gotten the leash down before she gets up. But this morning, she was excited to go walking and is learning the routine.

When I am gone, I am able to leave her inside, and I think she lays on the entry carpet the whole time. I am thankful for Heavenly Father for providing us with her. And eternal thanks to GB who knew we would be a good match. Since the Saturday before last when we adopted Prince, I have had my eye on two dogs at the animal shelter. One is a St. Bernard and the other is a Sheltie mix. I want to help find them good homes. I think the St. Bernard will be easier to place (just because she is purebred), eventhough the Sheltie mix is a more well behaved dog.

Please all, keep doggies in your prayers and if you can take one or one more into your life, please do today.

With love and joy in Christ who is our Savior.

Goodnight, Katie

Shawnie and Prince (ss)

Our loving Heavenly Father has a beautiful way of healing and loving each one of us individually, as He knows what we need. He knows me better than I know myself, heals me better than I could ever hope for and blesses my heart.
On Saturday, D, M and I went to the animal shelter for D to choose a dog of his own. We tried out a few dogs, but none of them were right for him, in his opinion. So we looked at cats and kittens, and we came home with a kitten which he named Princess. Yesterday, we took the kitten for a well check at the vet, and as it turns out, she is a he, so now his name is Prince. He is gray with white legs and a partial white face and he is really adorable at about 4-5 weeks. I am not technically a cat person, but it is fun to see his personality grow and become more brave in the house, even chasing D around. Both boys LOVE to hold him, and on Saturday night, I was so done with all of the arguing over the kitten that Don and I discussed the need for M to have his own pet. For the safety of a little animal, we decided that a dog would be best.
My dear friend, GB, had graciously offered her six year old golden retriever, Shawnie. So on Sunday, we went to pick up Shawnie on a one week trial period. I have loved her for more than a year, so it was not hard to bring her into our family. And now sharing the past three days with her, I'm pretty convinced that she is a keeper. Nobody will ever take Malden's special place, but Shawnie is truly blessing me with healing. She is a very sweet and loving dog who adores everyone, even the little rat of a kitten who likes to lay right by her. Shawnie is doing great on our walks and I can even call her off of her interest in a passing cat or bird. She loves the water, which is a new thing to me, so I have to distract her when we walk by the tadpole pond, which she found yesterday. I love Shawnie's gentle way, and her silly habits: she knows how to take socks off of a person's feet, and she loves to carry around tennis balls. She sleeps by my side of the bed at night and watches out for the boys whenever we are all outside. Although I think that she is not a morning dog, she willingly goes out with me in early morning for our walk together.
Thank you Heavenly Father for your healing plan for me.
To all of you reading, thank you for your thoughts and prayers, Love, K

Grieving is a process, not an event

I am learning that grieving is a process. When Malden died on Thursday, I truly felt like my deepest hurts were over, and though my pain came from the very depths of my heart and the inner-most part of my soul, yesterday I began learning that the pain takes on new form. I was doing pretty good on Friday morning thanks to all of the phone calls, prayers and hugs...THANK YOU ALL. By Friday evening, I was feeling very down and was in an extremely unsocial mood, but I had made previous commitments to be at a school function and was given the opportunity to be somewhat social. Before long, I removed myself from the group and sought solace outside in the relative quiet to read a book. After awhile, a dear friend came along and helped me talk things out. As is often the Lord's way, He sent a person who has been through an extraordinary amount of grief to remind me that I can always help to lift another's burden even when I feel that mine is great, I know that over the course of her life, hers has been truly sacrificial. It is to her and to others I have recently spoken with who have lost children that I dedicate the following to: (By a tender mercy of the Lord, on the same day that Malden died, I had checked out a book titled Dog Heaven, written and illustrated by Cynthia Rylant, thinking I would read it to D and M to help prepare them for Tino's eventual death, little knowing that I would need it that very day for a very different circumstance and for my best dog: I just read it with D and M tonight). Here are two pages of text from the book Dog Heaven to the above mentioned women: "[In heaven] there are children, of course. Angel children. God knows that dogs love children more than anything else in the world, so He fills Dog Heaven with plenty of them. There are children on bikes and children on sleds. There are children throwing red rubber balls and children pulling kites through the clouds. The dogs are there, and the children love them dearly."
And because I know that Don's and my parents are grieving the loss of Malden as well, this is dedicated to them, especially Papa: (this is also from the book Dog Heaven) " And, oh, the dog biscuits. Biscuits and biscuits as far as the eye can see. God has a sense of humor, so He makes His biscuits in funny shapes for His dogs. There are kitty-cat biscuits and squirrel biscuits. Ice-cream biscuits and ham-sandwich biscuits." Everytime Don's parents come to visit, they have always brought at least one box of dog biscuits for the dogs but of course would always run out in the week's time they are here and would have to go buy more. Malden and Tino know Papa as the bearer of all good treats, and although Malden barks at every car that comes into our driveway, he would stop barking the moment he realized it was the treat man, which I find amazing since he only saw Don's Dad 1-2 times a year. And then there is my Mom who, most every time she comes over, brings biscuits for the dogs...Malden always knew when she had one more in her pocket and would sit obediently, though impatiently, at her feet for the last one.
To anybody who has ever loved a dog: "Dogs in Dog Heaven have almost always belonged to somebody on Earth and, of course, the dogs remember this. HEAVEN IS FULL OF MEMORIES. (That part made me cry) So sometimes an angel will walk a dog back to Earth for a little visit and quietly, invisibly, the dog will sniff about his old backyard, will investigate the cat next door, will follow the child to school (MOM...RUSTY), will sit on teh front porch and wait for the mail. When he is satified that all is well, the dog will return to Heaven with the angel. It is where dogs belong, near God who made them."
To anybody who has ever "rescued" a dog (I put it in quotations because they are really the ones who rescue us, just like I discussed with GB one day about the horses): "The dogs in Dog Heaven who had no real homes on Earth are given one in Heaven. The homes have yards and porches and there are couches to lie on and tables to sit under while angels eat their dinners. There are special bowls with the dogs' names on them. And each dog is petted and reminded how good he is, all day long. Dogs in Dog Heaven may stay as long as they like and this can mean forever. They will be there when old friends show up. THEY WILL BE THERE AT THE DOOR."

Thank you, thank you all for you patience with and prayers for me. Love, K

TRUST IN THE LORD

Just yesterday, shortly before leaving to attend the Temple, I read President Thomas S. Monson's closing talk from the April General Conference (see www.lds.org). A scripture he quoted is: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
When we are doing as He would have us do and when we are in the places He would have us be, we will be strengthened beyond our own abilities to bear up our burdens. Today my beloved Malden died. I have always said that I do not know what I would do when my dog passed away, and I always expected it to be Tino first. I am fortunate that I had the opportunity to grieve and not feel ashamed of my deep feelings: fortunately Don supports me in my heartache and understands a woman's need to cry and work out her feelings. I am grateful for my Mother who, having the same love of pets that I do, completely understands my feelings and knows that there are no words to make everything all better. In situations such as this, we have agreed that prayer is the best thing to do for somebody.
I have a song I want to share by Kutless, the same group who sings my song "What Faith Can Do". This song is titled "I'm Still Yours"

If you washed away my vanity

If you took away my words

If all my world was swept away

Would You be enough for me?

Would my beating heart still sing?

If I lost it all

Would my hands stay lifted

To the God who gives and takes away

If you take it all

This life You've given

Still my heart will sing to you

When my life is not what I expected

The plans I made have failed

When there's nothing left to steal me away

Will You be enough for me?

Will my broken heart still sing?

Even if you take it all away

You'll never let me go

Take it all away

But I still know...

That I'm Yours

I'm still Yours

I'm still Yours

Please, to all of you, keep D and myself in your prayers. Love and thanks, K

Happy Mother's Day to ALL women

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

Although these wishes were started yesterday, I am publishing them a day late, but they are good for everyday of the entire year!!

This is in honor of my husband who gave me a Mother's Day card with the following printed on it, "I'm so blessed to have your love. When I think about the gifts we've been given- our home, our family, our life together...I feel so thankful- because I couldn't have been blessed with a more beautiful wife than you." Don truly treated me like a Queen yesterday, even more than usual.

This is in honor of both of our sons: "Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of life."
-Maureen Hawkins

This is in honor of my Mother: "A mother is a woman who shows you the light when you just see the dark." -Grimaldos Robin

And this is in honor of all women everywhere: Married, single, with children, wanting to be pregnant, wanting to have more children, waiting to adopt a child, divorced, widowed, broken hearted, joyful: "As I come to understand the many talents and characteristics of women, I realize how needed their strengths are in this dispensation. We must remember that we are daughters of God here to provide nurturing care for one another, family and friends- loving care to soften the changes of life felt by all. What a great opportunity we have to fill our God-given role. He has given us the privilege to shape the lives of those entrusted to our care. Even those of us who have not been blessed to have children of our own can still be influential as trainers and nurturers. It does not matter where we live, whether we are rich or poor, whether our family is large or small. Each of us can share that Christ-like love in our 'motherly ministry.'" -Barbara Winder

Sometimes we all forget what certain times in our lives have felt like, and we forget to think of other women who may be going through the same feelings that we were or are or even feelings that we ourselves may never feel but can help to ease the burden of another by just listening. I remember how I felt when I parted with my two previous boyfriends, before meeting and marrying Don: my heart broken, wondering when it would be my turn to marry for eternity, and not have to give up the love I felt so deeply. I told Heavenly Father that I could not love so deeply again and be without that person, and He knew my heart and He blessed me with Don, the best man for me who He had prepared for me. I remember today how it felt to be without child and wanting to so much have a child: crying in Relief Society lessons because it hurt so bad. Although I cheered on my friends for having their own children, my heart hurt for myself. And then we were blessed. Today I remember how it felt to want a sibling for our first son: how I ached for days and months and years, going through emotional hell, knowing that there was a child missing for our family. And then Heavenly Father blessed us again through the decisions of a very loving Mother, Heidi.

I have leaned through these experiences to praise our Heavenly Father in the peaceful time full of blessings as well as in storms of life which are full of their own blessings that I sometimes cannot see. I have learned that I am NEVER alone: He always loves me, knows that I am beautiful and is mindful of me. I have learned to comfort those who are hurting and to pray for those, specefically who are hoping for a child, whether through their own pregnancy, adoption or otherwise. May we all pray for one another today. We are all Mothers: we create and teach and listen. We love.

Learning

Ok everyone: this is going to be an earful (or in the case of a blog, an eye full) of things I have learned in the past couple of weeks.
The following is from one of my favorite websites: www.myoneword.org "God is the only one who gives us the desires of our heart. By thinking our thoughts- by taking control of our minds- we go on the offensive against the enemy. This clarifies our perspective. Our struggles don't come about randomly or by coincidence. There is a purpose behind it an a natural path with a definite direction. The thoughts that trip us into temptation don't just randomly show up. They have points of origin. When we allow our thoughts to stay long enough to take root, they can then lead to great physical and emotional pain. Surrendering this thought is a declaration that you are seeking God as your source for life, fulness and joy. We do this through reflex thinking- when a thought creeps into our head, we capture it and surrender it over to God, regardless if it takes one time or a thousand to deal with it. Stack each thought up against your standard. It is not enough to eliminate your old system of thought- it must be replaced with a new system. This is why it is so crucial to understand what it means to bring every thought into obedience to Christ."
"Change will always be met with resistance. Maturity is found in those moments when we embrace the struggle by facing it head on. Our transformation is a process in which struggle is inevitable and resistance is expected. This struggle, this resistance, builds strength, but only when we surrender to God. God wants to meet us in the midst of our struggle."
All of those teachings are so beautiful and so meaningful. It is taking me some time to truly make them a part of my life, but the time I take to do so is time I would not change. We all have the time we need to do what our Heavenly Father would have us do. We can never really use the excuse "I didn't have time." What we really mean when we say those words is that we chose to do something else instead.
Here are some hilarious things I got to hear and laugh about this week. One morning when I was at D's school, a little boy came up to the secretary/nurse/knower of all things and lamented, "A bee stung me for no reason!" I did not laugh in his presence since I did not want to embarrass him, but it was SOOO FUNNY. I got to wondering if he had been stung by a bee before "for a reason." And everytime I have told the story this week, I laugh even more. How many of us have ever been stung for a reason?
This week at school was teacher appreciation week, and one day, I was cleaning up the teacher luncheon. I brought home a box that had had a cake in it, and M asked, "Are we goin' to sing Happy Birthday to the cake?" I never thought about it that way before, but to little children, it probably does seem like we are all singing to the cake, especially when it is all decked out with candles! So after opening the box, we sang happy birthday to the cake!

Love you all, thank you for your prayers, K